8 November 2018

Our Guide to Communicating Your Way Into A Casual Hookup That Makes Everyone Happy

It’s hard to guess what “most people” are into when it comes to doing the dirty without making some kind of sweeping generalisation.

So, just to warn you, the following contains a sweeping generalisation. ?‍♀️?‍♂️

We’re going to go out on a limb and assume that most people have at the very least entertained the thought of hooking up with a complete stranger for sex.

Whether it’s a regular, no-strings-attached arrangement or a one-night stand that you never hear from again, all the clichés are seemingly true: you can be whoever you want to be with someone who doesn’t know you.

Unfortunately, a lot of people choose to be a total ?.

And as for the rest of us? We’re too scared of making cucumbers of ourselves to do anything at all. It seems as though there are all these unwritten rules about how to hook up with someone of your preferred gender that no one bothers to tell you.

⚠️Important disclaimer⚠️: The only glaringly obvious rule is that you should never do anything to someone that they haven’t agreed to or have asked you not to do. And if you don’t feel that this is glaringly obvious, you should lock yourself in a dark room and not attempt to have sex with anyone until you become a better person.

Oh, and please use protection. No one wants chlamydia.

With that out of the way, let’s get to those other rules. The ones about communicating your wants, needs, desires and all that jazz to a potential or actual hookup partner without feeling like you’re bearing your soul to an uninterested Oprah Winfrey while conveying about as much sexual energy as that posh couple off Gogglebox ?.

Basically, what you want to achieve is to make sure that both you and your “special friend” are excited about and comfortable with the arrangement and everything involved in its execution from start to finish (insert orgasm joke here ?) without deviating from the smouldering, mysterious confidence you don’t want them to know is your best acting performance since the Year 3 nativity where you played a goat ?.

Laying down the ground rules

Do you want to know what the best way around awkward conversations cropping up before, during or after sexytime is?

No, it’s not “not talking”, and we already told you, you ??, to shove it in the introduction.

The magic secret is in laying your cards on the table before you do the same to them (wahey ?️!)

In all seriousness, it’s pretty key to lay some ground rules, whether they’re for the potentially uncomfortable pre-sex chat or the potentially even more uncomfortable post-sex pillow talk. If you’re both there for some casual rumpy pumpy, there’s no shame in letting them know that you don’t want to talk about your job, your mate Dave ? or what your sister-in-law’s uncle’s cat does for a living ?.

This is also absolutely key if the subject of previous sexual partners were to, you know, pop up ?. Even in the most casual of circumstances, your buddy going into graphic detail about a particularly raunchy encounter with someone else might ruin the mood or make you feel insecure. If that’s the case, you’re allowed to let them know, and it might be a good idea to ask how they would feel about you mentioning your previous experience as well.

The only thing that is completely unacceptable to veto is if they ask you about your sexual health status ?‍⚕️. Part of being a good person means letting people you do the nasty with if you have any STIs. This is us laying down some ground rules.

Confidence is key… even if it’s not real

We’re going to let you in on a secret. NOBODY is as confident as they pretend to be in hookup scenarios.

Even the supposed biggest lad or lass in the world who has a body count in the hundreds and seems to pull every weekend is putting on some kind of front. And if you’re that lad or lass and feel that we’ve just ruined your street cred… sorry, not sorry ?‍♂️.

It’s okay if you’re not confident, and there’s no need to become a radically different person to get laid. Yep, you guessed it: it’s pep talk time ?.

The reason so many people fall flat on their face and end up looking like a complete ? is because they think that confidence means acting like some jacked up, James Dean wannabe in a trendy floral shirt or some saucy B-movie minx with fluttery eyelashes. If that’s not who you really are, you just end up making a bit of a tit of yourself ?.

Confidence is about embracing who you are. And someone IS going to want to bump uglies with who you are.

If you’re using a hookup app, everyone is there for the exact same reason as you. Don’t be fooled by six packs and big boobs. After all, dad bods are all the rage right now and itty bitty titties don’t get in the way as much ?. Even your bashfulness could wind up being your USP ?.

Be clear, direct, and listen

Now that we’ve sorted your confidence out, it’s time to use it ✊. Confidence is about more than just your appearance, it’s about asking for what you want.

It’s always important to not be an absolute ? and disregard someone’s feelings. Whoever you’re hooking up with is still a person after all. But the benefit of a casual hookup is that all participants have one job and one job only: get laid. Ergo, you’re not at risk of damaging a relationship by inadvertently saying the wrong thing and it cropping up months down the line that someone has been resenting you for an awkward comment.

Tell the other person clearly, but respectfully, what you’d like. This includes what you’re looking for from your night of passion, what kind of sex you’re into, what you’d like them to do and what you would like to do them. It doesn’t have to be as businessy ? as it sounds, so you don’t need to be drafting up a contract anytime soon. Having someone tell you they’d love to rip your clothes off and do filthy things is actually pretty sexy. Who’d have thunk it? ?

This should go without saying, but listen to what the other person (or people) has to say as well. When they’re asking you for something, don’t ignore them. If that sounds like something you’d do, you should go back to the introduction and read our advice in the disclaimer ?. You can always say no if it’s not something you’re comfortable doing, or if you’ve never done it before but are completely on board ?‍♀️, let them play teacher for a bit ?‍?.

Don’t fall in love… but if you do, be honest about your feelings

Admittedly this is more of a friendly recommendation than an unbreakable rule, because you can’t really control when you catch feelings ?.

However, in the event that your attraction to someone that you were only meant to see once or twice develops into something that’s more than casual, please locate your nearest emergency exit and ✈️…

We’re only joking, kind of. You do have a responsibility to let them know how you’re feeling and be prepared for the fact that they might not reciprocate ?. After all, this was a casual hookup for a reason.

The worst thing you could do in this scenario is keep it to yourself and expect to be fine. Warning ?: you will not be fine. This is supposed to be fun, remember? And if you try to mask what you’re really thinking, it’ll turn into more “burning in hell” than “burning for you” ??

With that said, we think it’s high time you pulled your socks up (except don’t, because that’s not a great look) and got out on the prowl.


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